I would stand there (in our balcony) for hours ,
time would just not move,
for sometime i would look at the dark sky
they were cloudy nights,many of them,
I stood there for hours
other times i would look at the hospital ,the surgical ward,not much movement at that hour.Still i would stare in a hope to see somebody.
Then i would look down ,where our vehicles were parked,But the watchman would also be sleeping, lucky man i thought.
Also i had many other thoughts,including a frequent one of the consequence of jumping off the building.i would think what will happen if i jump ,will i die or will i sustain injuries,oh! my already overworked husband (then boyfriend),will have another case to handle.I thought of the watchman who would loose his sleep ,
oh !poor man i thought,i thought of our warden my HOD himself, he would have to be disturbed at that hour of the night,no no i thought,
I thought of my roommates and good friends ,what would they think , she was weak could not even sustain a branch that is as comfortable as psychiatry.
I thought of my mother and trembled with agony , how could i even think of something like this, poor woman my maa.
I thought of my father ,bas i could not think more.
I felt drops on my face i felt the pain,i felt i was crying oh yes i was,i thought of the reason i absolutely could not,
I took a deep breath and looked at my watch(cellphone) it was already 3:00 a.m.
I had to wake up at 7. I immediately called the first contact i saw,that was of my husband i knew he was awake,he picked up my phone as cheerfully as always ,asked me why was i still up ,i was just crying,his cheer turned to worry and immediately asked if i was alone at home and asked me to come down ,i told him not to worry he insisted to see me, i told him ok ill come to your ward ,i went there at 3, helped him with the dressings he asked what was wrong i could not explain,as i was myself in awe.till we finished the work it was already 4:30 he dropped me home,i slept i suppose.
The other day i was up by 7:30 am though i had planned to take an off ,but couldn’t help but wake up.during the rounds that day and many other days i would not understand any bit,as i was drowsy .I made mistakes while working ,mistakes that i could not.Got scolded by my superiors,they seemed concerned.They asked me what was wrong ,i said i am not getting enough sleep and the matter closed.
One day while talking to a patient in the O.P.D i started crying the patient looked at me and said madam is all well?i said yes it is, how dare it not.
Nights were the worst ,specially Tuesdays and Fridays ,as my roommate would be away (emergency duty) .
I did not think of talking to anyone as i was scared all will judge,they would say psychiatry has affected me ,which i was sure had not.I thought they would say i am doing so to gain attention and to cover up for my mistakes.I was very scared.
I had never been a social person,but never had i felt so lonely before.
On the 24th of november 2014 i finally decided to talk to the person who i believed would not judge ,that was my professor . I talked to him he listened,i cried he listened ,asked me if i wanted to start medications i asked him for some other alternative he gave me a book .
Feeling good by David burns
and for the first time in months i felt good.
i dont know what went wrong then but something was wrong ,it definitely was.