Being in the field of mental health, coming in contact with almost 50 people on an average in a day makes me realize the extent of dissatisfaction and frustration in modern relationships.
Here I am talking about marital relationships specifically,
We very commonly encounter people on the verge of separation, divorce or in case of premarital relationships breaking up…it is a major stressor and plays a vital role in mental health.
also, we encounter people with post-separation anxieties and grief reactions…the reasons in my opinion may be like followingnmajor reason I feel is the changing status of women in our society today.
1.In the majority of modern or semi-modern households, girls are brought up as equals to their male siblings, are empowered, educated, encouraged directly or indirectly to be independent and earn for themselves, which is a very welcome change, and I being one of the empowered ones, feel blessed to have been brought up like that.
But, at the same time, our boys have grown up seeing their mothers being dominated and openly or behind the closed doors their rights being violated.So they come into relationships with a sense of entitlement, that is hidden somewhere in their unconscious.
Which leads to an ultimate clash of egos, nobody is ready to surrender…and dissatisfaction.
2. personality is comprised of both temperament and character traits
I also feel a clash of personalities leads to distress and discomfort.
now to make it simple, all of us have a different personality and mostly are unique in our senses. But, at the same time, there are certain traits that can help determine someones temperament grossly(for detailed assessment there are psychological tests)
those temperament traits are:
- harm avoidance vs risk-taking
- novelty seeking
- reward dependence
- persistence
temperament dimensions.
apart from these, there are many other determinants of personality.
when people of two different personality traits come together, initially there is excitement and novelty, later it becomes difficult to adjust,
which is why I think that matching personalities is of more use than matching kundalis before getting married (disclaimer:kundali and astronomy are beyond the scope of my understanding and I am not completely against it as I don’t know much about it, but personality assessment is something I’m am positively confident about).
For proper assesment, you need to visit either a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist.
3. Another reason which I think leads to discord in relations is the lack of feeling of being loved…
Well, Dr. Gary Chapman an anthropologist and a renowned author of the book ‘the five love languages’ suggests that there are five emotional love languages — five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.
- words of affirmation
- acts of service
- receiving gifts
- quality time
- physical touch.
according to him, people have different love languages and thus, their expression is different,
so knowing the love language of your partner helps in establishing a healthy and satisfying relationship.
though very abstract, this concept has some validity and is being used by many around the world.
the book can be easily purchased online and at the end of the book , there a questionnaire to determine the love language of your partner as well urself.
i am attaching a link for the book.
4.apart from these factors, in India it is rightly said that marriages are not betweentwo people ,rather it is between two families.So before getting married it is essentialto determine the values and customs of the family of your partner,along with it themindset and openness to change,adaptability,i think this is more important thanmarrying into your own caste or religion per say.
PS: This is my point of view,i donot mean to insult or hurt anybody’s sentiments ,there are certain issues which cannot be resolved such as domestic violence and i donot suggest to take those things lightly ,seek help whenever you require and always remember this is just a part of life and is not your complete life.
you can send me a msg if help needed.
"The Wounded Shrink." 
2 responses to “Personality testing ,instead of ‘kundali’ matching ,may be??”
Very good. Five languages of love is indeed a great book, must read for all couples
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Yes it is, thank you.
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