A WhatsApp group I am a part of and a conversation with a good friend of mine prompted me to pen this down,
We are always told, that the key to any healthy relationship is comfortable communication, it is easy to communicate when you are expressing love and appreciation, but how many of us are comfortable in communicating discomfort, distress, and DISAGREE?
Let us understand why we disagree, to begin with…
people tend to disagree because of three reasons broadly
- They have not clearly heard or understood the other alternative and reasons for supporting the alternative (they are not ready to hear what the other person is saying.
- They have heard and understood, but they have had different experiences or hold different values that result in preferring one alternative over the other.
- The disagreement is based on personality, past history with one another, or other factors which have nothing to do with the alternatives.
the first two can be dealt with simple counseling, while the third one requires more work on both the persons part and the therapists part
What will be the unhealthy ways of expressing disagreement?
- Choosing sarcasm.
3. Raising your voice
5. Shutting down
and many others
The only healthy way is assertively putting your point across. By assertion here I mean, not being unfair to yourself, or the other person, putting your points across clearly without getting aggressive or defensive, without feeling guilty about disagreeing, and without putting the other person down.
You cannot expand your mind if you dont know how to communicate disagreement well.
When we know ourselves well,how our mind functions,which thoughts get the better of us,we know what triggers us as well,the more we immerse in meditation of any form ,the more we are able to see our patterns and without questioning or blaming ourselves we see those patterns neutrally,which helps us become more open and flexible,
Disagreement is a very natural part of life,accepting disagreements on their face value and not taking them personally make allot of things very to deal with.
Having said all this, it is also understandable that many topics are difficult to talk about, for some it is money, some it is sex, these topics might trigger one, but that doesn’t justify you triggering other people, with all my experience with patients, personal experiences, I feel one should avoid jumping into relationships unless one is happy and peaceful being alone and is aware of his/her patterns and triggers, helps allot.
Coming to choosing your battles,well, you cannot waste your time and energy disagreeing on topics with are insignificant for you, do not add any value,or with people who refuse to make sense, are insignificant in comparison to your time,energy and peace,you have full freedom to withdraw and not indulge,this lesson comes with time and maturity,So growth is not just disagreeing in a healthy way,but also choosing not to argue,also it is absolutely okay to get angry once in a while,only being mindful about it and not hurting other people.
I remember my therapist telling me if in a relationship there are no fights, it suggests one of the two people is not being heard or is not putting their opinions, All of us are absolutely unique, how can we think on similar lines all the time? it is not possible, so disagreements are very very normal.
Write to me about your struggles with disagreements, and your recent stories, suggest books related to this topic, and give me feedback.
Thank you for reading all of this.